Hello friends and fans, readers and writers alike, welcome to Foxy Critique. Foxy Critique is a segment on this blog dedicated to writers of fan fictions in well known, but less popular categories. Whenever I read fan fiction, I look at a number of things but it's always imperative to know that when I critique a story a writer will, under any circumstances, receive at least two praises and two criticisms. This is important because its good to remember that no matter how good or bad you are, there are always things that can be improved and there are always merits to your writing. With the introduction out of the way, let's get into the critique of Core by Wickfield. Spoilers are contained within: if you'd like to read the story for yourself, follow this link here.
Getting basic information out of the way first, Core is a fan fiction for the cartoon Dexter's Laboratory, a show that aired on Cartoon Network from 1995 to 2003. The show features Dexter: Boy Genius who amidst his many over-the-top science experiments, is interrupted by his well-meaning yet destructive older sister Dee Dee. He often also butts heads with his neighbor and rival the sinister Susan Mandark Astronomonov, who, as a male, prefers to go by Mandark. The common foil to Mandark's schemes is his obsessive romantic interest in Dexter's sister, making the relationship a fun but chaotic experience.
This particular fanfiction, however, revolves around the Cartoon's television movie: Ego Trip, which involves time travel through various time lines in an attempt to save the future from the multitude of Mandarks. Core is approximately 39,000 words long over 12 chapters and is completed.
Now let's get down to the critique. Immediately, I have to say that the most noticeable trait while reading the story is the characters. Through out the story, there were very few moments when I questioned a character's behavior and thoughts when compared to their in canon counter parts. To put it simply, Dee Dee acted like Dee Dee, Dexter like Dexter, etc. etc. Their interactions were spot on, in ways where if the show had been made for adults, I would believe that this was the novelization for a movie.
Their behaviors were three dimensional, they had strong solid motivations, and they really fit well with the world that was built around them. As someone who grew up watching the TV show, I could even hear the actual voice actors in my head, reading the dialogue. Any time this happens, it shows skill on the writer's part. Absolutely fantastic work.
In addition, the story was well organized. The pacing was satisfactory, (I'll get to why I won't call it great later), the plot was attention grabbing enough to keep me reading, and all in all, the progression felt natural and well played out. I couldn't find much in the way of plot holes nor were there any confusing transitions that made me question if the time line was out of order. Grammar was excellent; very few mistakes and any that I did spot were negligible at their worst.
Tying back to the previous praise I gave, the characters excelled at moving the plot forward without it feeling forced or too linear. You actually find yourself curious as to what will happen next, which in itself is a good trait to have in writing, not just in fan fiction.
Now on to the criticisms.
Let's start with the pacing, since I mentioned I'd get to it. As I said, the pacing was satisfactory. To be honest, the only think keeping me from giving it higher praise was the length of the story itself. While it didn't necessarily feel rushed, a lot of the events ended so abruptly that I found myself a little taken aback by their resolutions. Specifically, this came in points where something intense would happen to the character, and you'd expect it to be addressed urgently, only for it to not come up until further along in the story.
The best way I can explain it is that it's kind of like the old English dub of Sailor Moon. The very first episode the main character is staring at the shopping mall where all these women are fighting over jewelry because of some demonic influence. The character gets very serious and notes "something is very wrong here." Then immediately goes "I'm going to go home and take a nap." When you're watching it you're like "Oh shit, things are going down," but then SPLAT, the tension falls flat on its face because it isn't acted upon. While it's nowhere near that extreme in Core, it still can cause alienation for what I call 'grazing' readers. These are ones who don't binge, but read each story a chapter at a time.
Specifically, one of the best examples for this I can give is when Mandark drops the photon whip in Dee Dee's apartment. She touches it and reacts to it with an extreme anxiety. It's really played up that this weapon is something sinister and dangerous, to the point where she is scared of the potential that Mandark displays by creating such a thing. She then puts it in her junk drawer and it isn't mentioned, nor comes into play, until the climax of the story. Had I not read it in a day, I'd have probably asked myself "Wait...what whip?"
The same goes for the tail end, when Dee Dee is looking for Dexter. When she goes to see him and tries to talk to him about Mandark, only to be sent away by the secretary with a note saying he hates her, she doesn't really give much of a reason as to why she doesn't press that tense issue. Dee Dee has shown multiple times that when Dexter is rude or mean to her, if she feels the issue is serious and pressing, she will bear the brunt of it regardless. Instead, she just kind of goes home.
Fixing this is easy enough. If something is important in a story, and you show that importance, every now and then you should leave some bread crumbs for your readers giving some indication that yes, it does serve a purpose. Now I'm not saying to bash them over the head with it. No point in mentioning the whip every few paragraphs, but even just a mild scene of Dee Dee contemplating what to do with it (even when putting it in her junk drawer is the solution) shows that the tension is not meant to be short lived. It has its purpose, even if that purpose doesn't come into play until later. Having Dee Dee escorted out by security guards or even having a doctored recording from Dexter telling her to leave would be better tension resolution than just leaving.
However the thing that really hit home for me was the ending of the story. Now I'm normally one for happy endings, so my feelings on the ending should be taken as leaning a bit towards biased, but if you'll indulge me, I'd like to make my case. The end of the story has Dee Dee rushing to the old lab in their original house. Most of the world is in shambles, people are dead, Dexter is no where to be found and Mandark has won. Dee Dee has the idea of using Dexter's time machine to go back and warn him about Mandark in advance, thus preventing the events of the story. Now in defense of the author, I was HUGELY relieved that this didn't happen. If there are two things I dislike it's easy fixes: time travel and stop events from happening, or even worse 'it was all a dream'. It just becomes disappointing.
Dee Dee realizes that her brother's disdain for her would color his perception of events and he wouldn't believe her because he'd expect that she is trying to mess with him. He's egotistical enough that he believes Dee Dee isn't trustworthy, so if he had a message for himself, he'd have sent himself to deliver it. So Dee Dee essentially gives up. The resolution of the story as a whole seems to try to end on a cheerful note, with Dee Dee commenting that 'So long as there is a future, there is hope.' But for me it felt abrupt and honestly, disappointing. So she just gives up and hopes everything will be okay? Considering her altruistic nature through out the rest of the story, and her incredible drive to help her brother, it feels like she just surrendered a little too easily. Even if she would expect her brother to not believe her, I feel like she'd have at least tried to convince him anyway.
Now I know what you're thinking: "Wait, so you don't want her to travel back in time and fix everything, yet you want her to travel back in time and fix everything?" To be perfectly honest, I feel like the story should have gone on longer. Another four or five chapters would have made this thing absolutely golden. It's not so much important as what happens, she could still lose and the world still be screwed, but there are so many avenues she could have taken that she just...doesn't. Dexter is missing: she could go look for him. Not even think about the time machine, so much as she just thinks 'If I can find my brother, he can fix this', which would fit with her view of him through out the whole story. She could take the time machine, but again her brother doesn't believe her, causing her to literally cease to exist, just moments before Dexter goes to develop the core. Personally, I'd prefer the one with her finding Dexter, the two of them reconciling, and together ending Mandark's plot once and for all, but that's because I like happy endings myself.
Final criticism, and it's not like the other two. The use of italics is excessive. Typically when a writer uses italics in dialogue, it's meant to show emphasis. This is fine, but if you over use them, the emphasis has less effect. Then it just seems like the characters are talking like a 'Speak n' Spell'. Solution: use them a bit more sparingly. When you go to italicize something, ask yourself if it's something the character would really emphasize on, or if they're just making their point.
So there you have it, my critique of Core by Wickfield. Again, please go and read her story using the link above if you haven't yet. Show her some support for being wonderful enough to allow me to use her story on the blog. It takes courage to have someone pick apart your work, believe me. All in all, I'd give Core a 3.75 out of 5. It's an entertaining read, but I wish it were longer and the resolution a bit more satisfying.
A note to Wickfield: Keep up the good work! Seriously. My criticisms aren't meant to try to shut you down, or crush your soul or anything crazy like that. I mention them because I know that as a writer, it's the mistakes we make that improve us, more so than the praise we receive. Take heart, don't give up. This story is brimming with potential! I would really like to see you take another crack at that ending, but if you just want to move on, I'd understand that, too. Just once more, I'd like to say that your story was entertaining and I did enjoy reading it. I wish you the best of luck in life and literature. -Kiba Elunal
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